What I Really Need

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One time my Grandfather took my brother and I to the park to play some baseball.  He was pitching to us so we could practice our hitting.  I don’t remember exactly how old I was, but I think I was somewhere around 10 years of age.  I remember my younger brother doing well.  He was getting a lot of good hits.  I was having trouble.  I just couldn’t seem to get my swing down.  I wasn’t able to hit the ball consistently and I was getting really frustrated.  By the end of it, I was so pissed that I threw a fit.  I remember sitting in the dirt, so angry that I couldn’t hit the damn ball.  It was time to go so my brother and my grandfather started heading for the car.  I refused to move.  Well, my grandfather was not the sort of man who put up with this kind of behavior… so he left.  He got my brother in the front seat and peeled away in the car leaving me there.  I deserved it.  He ended up driving around for a few minutes and then came back to get me.  It was just the thing to change my anger to fear and get me to snap out of my fit.  I’ve told this story several times to people around me and I always knew I deserved what my grandfather did.  I was actually quite impressed with how he handled the situation.  It made me think of him as a tough no-nonsense kind of guy.  He was a boxer in the army.

Today, though, I was brought back to how I felt that day.  Not when my Grandfather left, but when I was sitting in the dirt.  I felt inept and impotent.  I felt that I was of no effect and there was nothing I could do about it.  I felt that I could throw myself at a challenge and never get anywhere or accomplish anything.  I feel that way today.  I think that feeling has haunted me for my entire life.  I needed a little help interpreting what was going on in the park that day.  I probably wouldn’t have been able to listen to it anyway, but that is what I needed.  That is what I need right now…. An all-knowing father who can show me what he is up to and tell me what to do… to give me a sense of my own identity and the roll I was created to play… to tell me I am his beloved son and that I have what it takes.  Jesus needed all of that too.  Jesus had a knack for going and getting it.  Me?  Not so much.